Not A Star
by thecolourofthesky
Summary: A story about Dan Howell and how he met 'AmazingPhil' through a mutual friend - Charlie.
1. Prologue

Prologue

* * *

There had once been a time when everything felt so light… It had been those feelings, that you sometimes have; it was the scent of the air when it had rained or snowed or if you came out of a club in the middle of the night and you just thought that you could own this world, because in these moments in which you felt, you were alone, and then you truly owned this world, because it was your own entirely.

There had once been a human who taught me how to fly… It had been in a sky full of stars that was so light and warm and it was like gazing directly into the sun's radiation, and it was like I owned this human because I was the only one who could resist this gaze, and so I was alone with him, and so I truly owned this human, because he was mine entirely.

~ _I wished for you to find  
peace in your heart  
colours in your mind and  
a foreign soul which is equal to yours_ ~

* * *

* DISCLAIMER *

This story is not real. The persons own themselves. The constellations are only imaginary. Any other paralel with people alive or dead is unintended. I do not earn any money with this.

* CLAIMER *

The constellation of words is my own. The arrangement of ideas is my own.


	2. Chapter 1

The Mutual Friend

* * *

Autumn 2009

* * *

In my head, there was only chaos and confusion, as emotions and people had been indistinct already. With this feeling exactly I should have taken a gap year after my high school degree to deal with my psychological condition. However, I went over to experience "real" life, without a break. But without any clue or plan either.

I hurried past the round plaza in the middle of the campus to get to my first lesson and I hoped to be just in time. Fall had taken over me with its mist and dreariness.

I wondered whether I could again just drop out of the life which I had arranged so nicely around me this summer. It felt like my feet were plumbed, as if I wasn't able to move the slightest bit. Like, when you have this weird dream where you have to run away but you're stuck.

Is it true that you only dream about flying when still being a child? Anyways, I wasn't able to remember any dream I had, so I guessed I had become an adult a long time ago. Maybe I had forgotten what it was like to be a child.

However I had many childhood memories which made me suppress all of them, also the few good ones.

I can remember exactly what it was like to be called a freak. To be called a dumbhead and a dumpling because I was neither the sporty type nor interested in soccer. To be called posh because I could talk with intellect and a snob because I lived in one of the nicer districts of the town. To be called a faggot because it was easy to tell I was one according to my bent ankles.

Yet reality was different.

I wasn't the sporty type because my interests lay elsewhere (with more interesting, things in my opinion). I was even skinnier than a few years ago. Even though I was disgusted by the sight of my love handles in the mirror every morning, it was shallow and stupid to go on calling me dumpling.

I was articulate because especially the people who hated me taught me which power words can have and that they could hurt. Equally, it was easy for me to understand that the force of expression or the syntax of two different words and phrases could change everything and what they mean.

We did indeed live in one of the nicer districts of the town, but only because my grandparents weren't living there anymore. The fact that we moved there after granddad's death and grandma's move to a retirement home where they could handle her dementia better made it even less a home to me.

The things they said to me didn't only come from those idiots who moreover went to the same school as I did. Also my family tripped on me like that. Especially my brother didn't mind his language. To call me a freak or a faggot were the nicer things he said to me.

I can't remember when things started to turn out to be against me. I can't remember when my brother and I began to hate each other endlessly, but it has to have been the time when I started to hate everybody, too.

Some might lose their faith in God; I lost my faith in humanity. We were ought to be the most intelligent species on earth? I wondered how mathematical or logical intelligence could be considered more important than social intelligence, which people lacked.

With this feeling exactly, the perspective to start a new part of my life didn't seem to be a good idea at all. At the same time I thought this would never change so I didn't care; the only thing I wanted was my college degree. That was the reason I was there. To go to college at all advantaged me by not giving me the pressure to decide what I wanted to do with my future which frightened the shit out of me. Lucky as I was I guessed I wasn't even at the lowest point in my life and that it would go on going down with me. "It gets better"? Maybe this got real for others, but never for me.

I entered the room which I would probably see every day from now on. Only one glance of mine told me that I would know estimated three quarters of the people. Nice. My haters stared at me with disgust in their eyes. One grinned. "Freak," he murmured as I began to move up to the last row. Each desk I passed added a "freak". Nice.

In the last row there was only one more person, a boy who stared straight so obvious I didn't dare to question his defensive posture. I sat down on the last empty desk for two.

Right when I sat down, two girls entered the room and searched for an empty desk. Their gaze stuck to the last row where I met theirs and I just thought, oh no. The other boy in the past row probably had the same stare still, so I happened to be the person they spoke to.

"Hi," said the first one. "Sophia and I would like to sit together, do you think…"

"Sure."

"…you could sit next to Charlie? Oh, okay, that would be so nice!"

I packed my stuff together and stood up.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Dan", I answered and forced a smile.

"Thanks, Dan", she smiled. "I'm Annie."

I hurried over to Charlie's place and was just about to ask whether it would be okay to sit next to him when he just pulled back the chair for me without a word but to signalise that I could sit down there.

During the whole day, Charlie kept his rigid posture. I tried to use as little space as possible, to not look at him or to disturb him in any way. I was somehow glad that I didn't end up sitting alone and moreover on the classroom's windowed side, even though I felt odd. Well, there weren't exactly many moments I didn't feel like that so it resulted in the same thing anyways.

To make it short, we didn't talk a word in the whole first week which disappointed me a little bit because I thought at least at college I would be able to start anew. Strangely enough we treated each other with respect and never crossed the imaginary line in the middle of our desk. Actually, Charlie pulled back my chair every day so in return I held the door open when we left the building lastly every day. This however was the only positive thing to happen these days. It turned out that even Sophia and Annie had been easily convinced that I wasn't a person they'd like to befriend, so I realised that again I wouldn't make friends with people my age even though I had just started to go to college. Yay.

* * *

When I visited my girlfriend at the weekend, we finally ended up watching a movie, all cuddled together. Her head rested on my shoulder and I could decently smell her shampoo. Sooner this afternoon we were ordering some Pizza, which we ate quite silently. Thus as I couldn't concentrate on the movie, she could no longer stand my dreariness and looked at me, the eyes already tired but her ears pricked. "Dan, what's wrong?" she wanted to know.

My voice was as monotonous as hers when I answered. "College's all shit."

She sighed and looked at me for a very long time. "I just don't understand why everybody hates on you," she admitted and held me tight. "You're such a great personality, and everybody can be proud to be your friend!"

Her compliment made me uneasy. "Hmm," I murmured but couldn't make an effort to even state that she was wrong.

I couldn't stand the silence and inactiveness any longer; I turned off the TV and slipped deeper beneath the pillow.

"Dan," she whispered, before she turned off the lights, "you'll finally find your companion, trust me on that one."

She felt me shrugging under her body.

"I found you," she added, not meeting my eye but covering the bedroom in black.

I drifted to sleep with an unpleasant voice that told me I didn't deserve her – because I didn't love her as much as she loved me, and I know I should have.

* * *

The next week rolled into the universe and I found myself stuck on the exact same spot as the week before. When I entered the classroom, I accidentally met Charlie's glance and twitched. I walked through the bank rows with my head bent down, and when he pulled back the chair for me, it felt even more awkward.

He didn't make any effort to not look at me. I felt how his glance laid on my face and I wondered for which imperfectness he was looking for. I mean I was a guy, going through puberty but still not covering my spots in make-up, so I felt somehow messy. Wearing an oversized sweater didn't make it any better.

Soon the lesson started and I still haven't had met his sight again.

I tried to concentrate on the teacher's input, but after a while Charlie whispered something to me.

"What?" I whispered back.

"Oh, nothing," he said and I wanted to sink into the ground for thinking he had addressed me. But unexpectedly, he repeated himself anyways: "Isn't it amazing how everybody just writes down what Mr Thatcher says without even thinking about it?"

Even though I didn't like half the people he talked about, I watched them, surprised. "Ja," I agreed. "They're making notes to pass the test I guess…"

Charlie sniffed. "Yes, as soon as we're writing the test, they'll just write down what Thatcher said without having thought one thought on their own."

I could no longer resist looking at him, so I turned my head to see how he meant it. "It's because it's important…" I already felt how strong his opinion was and that I couldn't really say what was on my mind without being judged by him.

"It's even more important to think with your own head," he just added and looked at me. "What do you think, Dan?"

I suppressed my urge to shrug when he directly mentioned my name. "Uh…" I stuttered and my eyes flickered from him to Mr Thatcher who finally realised that we were talking in class. Thus I just shut up.

When Mr Thatcher turned around again, Charlie went on: "So?"

I turned around with my mouth opened and just couldn't say anything. I was just so confused because I tried to hide our conversation from our teacher. So what exactly did Charlie ask me?

"Mr Howell and Mr Casey, that's enough. Please pay attention and cease to talk!"

I felt how my back bent down.

I automatically tried to be even smaller when the crowd's murmur announced that Charlie and I were flirting.

* * *

When the lesson was over, I flinched out of the classroom as fast as I could, hit other people but didn't mind. I wanted to leave, to be physically absent as I couldn't stand the looks they gave me.

As I knew I would find nowhere else to hide, I ended up outside the school's parcel, one or two streets away. I didn't really know what I was doing but still wondering if I should go back to classes today at all. Silent raindrops waked me up, and I slid into a telephone box to prevent myself from the upcoming rain. All of a sudden, the street was covered in water, all in drops and runlets on the asphalt. The air around me began to cool down, and I sighed again because I forgot to take an umbrella with me today.

Taking it as faith to end up in a telephone box at this state of mind, I called my girlfriend Rebecca. I told her what I was up to and waited for her reaction.

"It's ok, Dan," she kept telling me. "It's no problem at all. Just go back to your classes and ignore those losers. It'll all be fine."

But having in mind that Charlie would be there as well, just staring at me or asking confusing questions, I felt myself getting physically unable to go back.

"Rebecca, I just can't… there is such a strong thing inside of me that holds me back!"

"You're just thinking you couldn't," she answered again.

"No, I mean it… I really can't!" I tried to go on and explain her in what kind of a mood I was, but I couldn't mention Charlie either, so she didn't understand.

I don't know why I kept things hidden from her. Knowing that she told me everything about herself didn't make it better.

There was a glance of wisdom in her that I was very afraid of. She was able to give advice, she was able to help me—the main reason why I made her my girlfriend.

But underlying that, there was something that held me back. There was a certain kind of image I had of her that held me back in trusting her one hundred percent.

"Just try," she sighed. Her class started at the same time, so she had to go back as well.

"I will…" I answered and hung up, hearing her _I-love-you_ in the background, too late to add any reply.

The telephone box's windows were covered in rain and I wasn't even able to look outside. I just saw that a very tiny ray of light brightened up its surrounding.

Yet there were schemes that I couldn't figure which nevertheless came nearer, until they were close enough to be spotted to be one person.

That somebody came up to the telephone box and knocked at the window. "DAN?" I heard Charlie shout. "IS THIS YOU?"

"No need to shout," I answered when I opened the door.

"Can I come in?" a totally wet Charlie asked.

"NO!"

Charlie squeezed himself inside anyways.

"Ugh, Charlie!"

"Calm your tits," he smirked.

I sighed. "What are you doing?!"

"I wanted to know what we're doing now."

"Huh?" I glanced at him, all confused and with a defensive manner. "What do you mean, what we should be doing now?"

"Well, do you really want to go back to class?"

I opened my mouth to say, yes of course we are. Yes of course, because that's what you do. Yes of course, because that's what we're expected to do.

Instead of stating the obvious, I closed my mouth again, probably looking like a fish and being as silent as one, too.

"Come on, let's go," Charlie then said, and I already knew that this would be in no way helping me with my confusion. But he had already turned around, held the door open for me, inviting me to join him in walking around through the rain.

* * *

I don't exactly know what it was that made me spending time with him that day.

Not remembering how we started the conversation again, I found ourselves chilling in a Starbuck's Coffee shop near Trafalgar Square. He was not the small talk kind of guy, so he had already told me his opinion on the thing we talked about earlier today. The _thinking-on-your-own_-thing.

Might I add that he was really stubborn in his opinion? But nevertheless he made me think about it. He told me that he thought it was a bad thing how we were all pushed through the school system, creating adults out of us without even having a look at what we were actually capable of, and just giving us grades on what they thought was important. He stated that society's ideas of what education should be like were all wrong and made-up, and that you could get A's without having thought one single thought on your own.

Most of the time, I just listened to what he said. His slow speed of speech captured me entirely on what he had to say. As facing such a strong dialogue partner, it was hard to actually say what I would have said. Moreover, I didn't even know him at all, thus it was even harder to tell what was on my mind.

Charlie however seemed to be interested in what I might have added, so I tried. Anyways I wondered where the initiative to get to know me came from.

After one week without having spoken one word, there wasn't even one single moment of silence between us. We went over the awkward pauses, just saw them passing by. I don't know what it was, but even though I didn't agree with what he said very often, I somehow was impressed and fascinated by his personality.

* * *

Rebecca gave me a look that could not be categorized. On the one hand side, I guess she was a little bit resigned because I didn't go back to classes which she had highly recommended. But on the other hand side which outweighed, she was happy I actually found somebody to talk to who was in my class.

"So you're meeting up with Charlie and some friends of his' at Friday?" she wanted to be sure.

"Yes… so maybe you can just come on Saturday, if that's ok."

Normally, Rebecca always came over to my house on Friday to stay for the weekend; or I visited her in Staines-upon-Thames. But Charlie had asked me to come to his house on Friday where he had also invited some guy friends to play videogames and stuff.

"Yes, that's fine," Rebecca said and I heard her sniffed smile.

"Great," I rejoiced, wondering whether she was mad at me as I put her second again.

* * *

The week that followed was a very stressful one, although it was only the second week of the term.

My parents were a little bit concerned as I had to tell them that I already skipped a lesson at college. They signed my paper with pursed lips. Contrarily, my brother couldn't be bothered to keep his' shut. "You'll end up on the streets if you go on like that," he dare said to me. "It's not like high-school anymore, where you can do whatever you want…"

"Don't pretend to know what college's all about," I instructed him. "You have no idea at all."

"At least I'm not such a prick as you are!"

"PETER, that's enough!" my mother finally intervened. As usually, her objection came too late to prevent me from getting hit on my self-esteem.

The other working days came and went as I couldn't wait for Friday. Charlie and I found out that we actually had some interests in common, but I think that was just natural as we were somehow comparable kinds of persons. He also might have been too reserved to tell, but I think it had taken a lot of effort to make a first move to start up a friendship. It became a lot easier for me to talk about innocuous topics like TV-shows and bands, where our favourites dispersed, or video games, where they clashed.

* * *

On Friday, I was so rejoiced I flipped around in my room getting ready.

At dinner with my family, my brother had the nerve to eat slowly on purpose, because I was only allowed to stand up when we all had finished. I gave him angry looks which I couldn't hold back and he seemed to enjoy.

Having missed the train I actually wanted to take, I was swearing unrestrainedly on my brother and on me for not having asked Charlie for his phone number to be able to tell him that I'd be late.

Sitting on the train, I listened to some of the music Charlie had recommended me, trying to not meet anybody's eyes. (Which was hard, in fact, as it was dark outside and the windows turned into mirrors in the tunnels.)

I almost passed the right stop, but I jumped off at the last second. Then I looked around to find my way through the unknown part of the city.

When I arrived at Charlie's, everybody else seemed to be already there. Nevertheless, I was welcomed as a long lost friend and felt like I actually belonged where I was.

The evening started with some little dinner as everybody had brought something (in my case – tortillas), went on with obsessive video game marathons and ended in us all just hanging around and chatting with each other.

Although Charlie took me under his wing, I met a bunch of nice people. It seemed as if Charlie and I had even more in common, talking about having friends who were a little or a lot older than us. Moreover, Charlie's friends did not only come from London, but from some places else.

I cursed myself for being underage and having to leave earliest (not because of the law – but because of my parents). When I said everybody good-bye, Charlie brought me to the door, followed by another guy whose name I forgot.

"You're also going to the train station, right?" he wanted to know.

"Ja."

"Cool, I think I'll go with you."

"Yay, I got rid of two visitors at once," Charlie kidded. "Bye Dan, bye Phil!" he waved as he closed the door behind us.

Night's cold and fresh air swallowed up our frames.

Walking next to each other, I figured it was hard for me to start a conversation even though I was interested in doing so.

I had to admit to myself that he was the person I couldn't remember the name of, but wishing to be able to, all evening. Anyways I remembered anything else; that he was from Manchester, he stayed a whole bunch of time in London, and that his favourite video game was Pokémon, just like mine.

I then came up with some awkwardly boring questions like how long his train ride back to Manchester would take, whether he planned to come back soon and how he met Charlie. As he spoke, I timidly looked at him, but he never looked back. His answers were quite short to be honest, so we finally ended up in walking side by side in silence, again.

Phil had to take the train from another line's platform, so we said goodbye in the catacombs. He seemed to be elsewhere with his thoughts, which made him leave me in solitude, staring at his back as he disappeared. As I could no longer figure him out in the dark light, I turned around to finally go to my own platform.

The whole ride back home I wondered whether my feeling of belongingness was just a false impression.

* * *

Rebecca and I were chilling in my room. She had asked me to tell her what had happened the day before, so I told her about the people I got to know and what we did. I was relieved she wasn't mad at me for rearranging our weekend, but I had an underlying bad consciousness.

"Which of Charlie's friends did you like best?" Rebecca asked.

_Phil._

I waited a little while before I answered so that it didn't seem too eager. "Phil. But I think he didn't even really notice me."

Rebecca frowned. "Why?"

I shrugged. "He wasn't exactly talkative; he didn't even look at me when we talked."

Rebecca was still confused: "Why did you like him best then?"

"Dunno. I just think he's a very nice person."

Finally, my girlfriend smiled. "For real?"

"Yeah; you know, he just seems to care for others. He offers help before it is needed and he treats everyone in a very good way."

"So he's exactly the person you could need for a friend," she deliberated; more with herself than with me.

"Maybe…"

"When will you see him again?"

"Not in ten thousand years. He's from Manchester, remember? I think he doesn't visit Charlie that often."

Rebecca cuddled herself to my side. "Admit it: you would have never been able to imagine this year to work out so well…"

I hugged her and held her tight. "We should wait until the first trimester is done, at least."

She sighed.

Her body was warm and soft, yet her personality grew stronger everyday. Whenever I met her, I recognised the little things that, by and by, turned her from a girl into a woman.

"Becca," I whispered in her ear. "Let's hit the lights…"

* * *

Back in school, Charlie and I got closer friends with every school day that passed.

It was easy for me to finally open up a little. Charlie seemed to be a very interesting and nice person. He was the one who always had a story to tell, a rumour to share and a matter to rant about.

He was the kind of person who was concerned with simply everything. His friends were in many different grades, thus he knew the buzz from the whole school and didn't mind sharing it with me. It was then I realised that it was probably best to have him on my side instead of having one more bully to talk about me behind my back. This thought seemed weird, but on the other hand it made me appreciate actually having him as a friend.

A few days later, I thought I was secure enough to ask him about Phil without seeming like a total creepster. Charlie seemed to be surprised about my interest in a person I've only met once and not even much spoken to, which he tried to hide though. Yet, he told me that Phil's journey back home went well and that he returned to studying for Uni.

"What is he studying?"

"Mainly Psychology and some other stuff…"

"That's cool," I responded and tried not to sound too concerned.

Charlie still looked at me with hidden confusion.

On Thursday, Charlie invited me to come over to his house to hang out and play some video games.

I can't recall how we came back to talking about Phil, but as he was the person who was on my mind all the time, I guess I just hit the topic again.

"Come over here, Dan; I'll show you something at my computer!"

I slid closer to him and he opened YouTube right away.

I wouldn't have guessed that I would see Phil's face again that soon, neither did I even know what this was all about. YouTube was such a strange thing to me, but finally there he was: Phil.

Charlie had started a video of him just talking chillingly to the camera, and I was stunned by how he just told the whole internet about what he had experienced the week before. A little part of me envied him for being old enough to do this, as my parents would freak the shit out if I ever did such things on the internet – but another part of me, which was a real big part, filled itself up with Phil's voice and appearance.

"You ok?" Charlie grinned and poked me.

"'Course," I replied but had to force back my blush.

"Are you _interested_ in him?" he didn't let it slide. His voice allowed the impression that I understood what he meant – Did I have a thing for him? – as in being gay.

"No," I hurried to say.

"Excellent."

_I understood the intention for him to ask me about this – far too late. _

* * *

Rebecca and I spent the weekend together as usual.

Unusually, I didn't tell her about what was going on in my mind.

I discovered a brand new sphere when I began to watch Phil's videos on YouTube. I didn't get the website on a whole, but he spoke to the audience as to friends, so I guessed he had created the channel for his friends in the first place, but others could watch it too.

I guess no one watched it as secretly as I did.

Even though I already had a YouTube account where Phil was soon all over, I was unable to do any approach. I hadn't even subscribed yet, but already found out that he also was on Bebo and DailyBooth.

I asked myself how much self-confidence he must have had to actually do this, especially to upload videos to unknown viewers.

Didn't he just let people in with that and make himself vulnerable?

I just did not understand his drive, but I fancied everything he did and said a lot.

When Rebecca came back, after she had been in the shower or grabbing something to eat and drink, whereas I dove into the obscure universe that was Phil's internet hangout, I quickly closed all sites I had visited.

I do not exactly know why I kept that from her – but I think it was because I felt like a stalker and didn't want to be judged by her. Supremely though because Charlie had already asked whether I was 'interested' in Phil – I guess that was enough conspiracy for me. I didn't want my girlfriend to think of me as being gay or anything relatable to that. It already had got to my guts that everybody thought I was a faggot; I didn't need this from her.

I can't even exactly say where my massive affection to Phil came from.

At Charlie's party, we hardly spoke to each other. But it was just the way Phil had treated the others.

He seemed like a person who cared for others, who didn't small-talk or shallowly judge people. There was nothing threatening about him, as far as I got to know him. This was, to be honest, very little of course.

Phil seemed so strong, trying to connect a group of people in harmony. He was easy-going and shared his thoughts. I hadn't been the only person who didn't know the others; there had been a boy who was friends with Charlie only, exactly like me. Phil was the first person to introduce himself to him and talk to him. It hadn't looked like they had a lot in common or to talk about, but his attempt had been incomparably nice.

Finally, Phil's content had captured me so much that Rebecca found me smiling at my laptop's screen, having my earplugs in to be even less approachable. She sat next to me and I hurried to the procedure of shutting it all down, but she just frowned, a wondering look on her face.

"Hey Becca," I grinned innocently but carefully.

"Hey dwarf," she joked. "What the actual hell are you doing?"

"Checking DailyBooth?"

"Oh," she began to smile. "You have DailyBooth? Me too! Do you want to add me?"

"I'm not having an account yet, you know, my parents…" I rolled my eyes.

Rebecca began to smirk. "Come on, Dan, don't be a coward! Let's get you an account!"

* * *

The next week I spent more time with feeling vexed when thinking about all the comments that my girlfriend got from some random boys on her pictures. Most of them were so appealing I just thought how could they say such things when knowing she was in a relationship!

At least Charlie was there to talk to. I told him about one of the guys who happened to be Becca's best friend in Staines-upon-Thames and how he said that she was a hot chick and of course even more things like that.

Fortunately, Charlie had the same opinion on people like that as I did. He agreed that it was just inappropriate, but told me to just not care about it.

Later that day, when we had time on our own and no one being close enough to overhear what we were talking, I began to tell Charlie why I really was concerned about it.

"It's just that he's her best friend! They see each other every day at school, they do everything together, and he seems to not even hold back the crush he has on her…!"

As I talked, I felt how my throat began to get dry. I felt like showing Charlie a part of me that I'd never get back. I told him things I only wondered about late at night when I couldn't sleep. I gave in to my sorrow – and he took it as it was.

He looked me in the eyes and said, "But Dan – you don't even have to be afraid. If Rebecca had any feelings apart from friendship for this guy, she wouldn't be travelling to London every single weekend, just to spend her whole free time with you! She seems to love you very much, and I don't think this guy is any competition to you."

I shrugged and bent my gaze.

"You know how I meant it? I meant that he's no competitor to you because you're so much better. If Rebecca is still in a relationship with you instead of being with her friend, you might treat her the way she wants to be treated. You probably act the way she likes it. Talk the way she fancies it. I bet you're also better-looking than him!"

When I looked up to his face, he was smiling at me.

"No I'm clearly not. None of that."

Charlie sighed. "Dan, why is she still with you then?"

My voice broke as it spouted out of me. "I don't know!" Suddenly, I was in tears. As if the situation couldn't have got more embarrassing.

"Oh Dan", Charlie gave me a side-hug; "You do clearly have no reason to have such low self-esteem as you do."

My head screamed _Lies_, but I rested it on his shoulder to let him comfort me.

* * *

I was staring at the ceiling above Charlie's bed, as I chilled in his room. He sat in my reach in front of his computer screen. This combination was the embodiment of chilliness to me. I just lay there, playing around with his Pikachu without really noticing it but not waiting for anything to happen either. I barely blinked as I was drifting away into my own world. Charlie had already quitted talking to me a while ago.

I felt how the waves came over me, one by one. They slowly rolled over my body to drown me in dreariness… I did not refuse to let me sink in their dumbness. The Dark has finally come to catch me again.

"Dan?" I heard Charlie ask from somewhere far away and failed to answer.

The weather outside was grey and odd. The clouds hid the horizon to keep the sun away from me.

I ceased to care.

There was a thing about the Dark that kept me coming back for it. Whenever the sadness billowed around me, I gave in to it, because I knew that nothing would be better if I didn't. The Dark had something strangely familiar, and I remembered everything it held for me. As weak as I was, it was easy to welcome it back in my life as an old friend, or at least the friendly enemy I could somehow rely on. It sometimes was the only steady thing in my life.

I was drifting off into a routine, where nobody could get me out.

Even Charlie wasn't able to guess how I faked a smile to keep up the pace of our friendship every day.

"Dan," I heard his voice in the room I temporarily could be found in. His voice didn't interrupt my thoughts; it was like something that already belonged to my life. It had somehow weaved itself into my condition.

"Dan!" he finally touched my shoulder.

"Hmm," I mumbled.

"Come on Dan, you're scaring me!"

I blinked and rolled my eyes to the top so that I could look at him over my forehead. "What?" I asked, falsely smirking.

"There you are," he said and patted my shoulder before turning around again. "Do you want to grab some pizza or something?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

"Then come on, get up," he said and walked past me to lead our way outside.

Charlie was one of the most easy-going persons I have ever met. He just took me with him, and I enjoyed being a part of his life. He realised that I wasn't in the mood for talking, so he didn't throw a torrent of words at me. He just let us be and made me comfortable with it.

I began to trust him so much that I didn't even cover my sighing from him any longer.

Maybe he would finally get the thing about me. Maybe not. I didn't care. And neither did he.

* * *

School was the horror.

As always, the others took advantage of me. They didn't cease to find a way to get on me, to trip on me, to hold me down.

They shouted out what they thought of me, and nobody cared. I mean, their friends probably found it funny, but nobody else cared. Not the teachers. Not the other pupils who weren't even interested in joining the fighting either. Not my parents.

Finally though, there was Charlie.

He cared. He cared very much.

He eventually started to defend me, as he maybe somehow knew about my constitution. (Fact was, I got worse every day that winter became more present.)

Charlie was the one to stand up for me; he literally got up and asked my bullies to speak up – to defend me. He sometimes even walked to stand them face to face.

This boy, being their target himself sometimes, was so eager in fighting for my dignity that I began to get attached to him. I didn't understand these sentiments, but I haven't had a companion before, either.

Although I felt an underlying fear of trusting Charlie on a whole, he became the most important person in my life.

Vice versa, things with Rebecca got more difficult.

I couldn't tell her how much the DailyBooth-thing got me on my guts, because I already knew that it was ridiculous. But it somehow mattered to me.

Constantly thinking about how you have a competitor who will conquer you sooner or later killed my vibe. If Rebecca ever found out how I was affected by somebody I didn't even know or have never even spoken to, she would have probably thought I was insane. She was not mine, she wasn't my property. If she didn't prevent it, who would I be to do so? If she didn't tell him to stop, she might fancy it, somehow. Maybe it was again some kind of joke I didn't get. Something I was not in to understand. To not be invited to be a part of.

My relationship with Rebecca suffered from me having another very close friend.

She didn't talk to me about it, but I sensed how she had already realised it.

Other than when in public, I did no longer care to fake good moods when I was around her. I felt myself getting angry by whatever little thing she did.

I didn't know why this happened so fast. I couldn't remember when it started, but we started to fight – which we actually never did before. We were both avoiding the topics that put the burden of the failure of our relationship on our hearts. Instead, we screamed and shouted at each other whenever something annoyed us. It didn't even have to be something directly linked to our relationship. I got concerned so easily these days that we were literally fighting over the schedules of what we wanted to do at the weekend or whom of us would visit the other.

Things that had never been a problem eventually became more important than the love for each other.

I felt how I lost grip of her. And she lost grip of me.

The strange and surprising thing about it is, when you look back at all the things you experienced together – there is nothing you could change for having a different situation in present.

I knew we were already doing our best to arrange ourselves, but the things left unspoken became a stronger threat every day we went.

In the middle of the night, when we laid next to each other, having had the worst fight of our relationship that had lasted for three years, I could sense her crying.

Normally, Rebecca was too strong to cry, even though she was a girl who was emotionally concerned very quickly. But in this very night, I knew she was crying next to me, without her making any sound or move. I sensed her sorrow she tried to hold deep down inside, but it had broken out of her as I had let her down. It was me whose fault it was, but it was her whose heart was broken.

But it wasn't over.

Not yet.

* * *

All the struggles I faced turned into a blur as I went on with my life.

My days became darker the greyer the sky turned. There was nobody beside me except for Charlie to have a hold on me.

As Rebecca was leaving my life more and more, I felt how everything became more difficult for me to bear. She was the person alone who knew about my mental state – and I was unable to tell Charlie.

There was a thing about him that I bypassed and hope he never found out that I kept my secrets from him.

Yet, on the other hand, would he even care? His best friend was, as it became clearer and clearer to me: Phil. Me, I was only a friend, but Charlie, he was the only constant friend I had been left over with.

Yes I did have other friends, but most of them lived in the part of the town I had lived in the first part of my life. They were friends I lost sight of. In the last few years, it became more and more complicated to meet them, because I had a lot to do with school during the week, and at the weekends, I met up with Rebecca.

I met up with Charlie nearly everyday after school. But he had already started to go and visit Phil every second weekend or so too, so the feeling I would miss the important things became stronger.

Additionally, Charlie was a character who liked to talk about others – sometimes also in a very rude way. As he talked rubbish about people we both knew and hanged around with (people from school clubs), I didn't get rid of the apprehension that he maybe would talk about me, too.

It was a basic instinct to not fully trust him, which I couldn't switch off. It rustled itself into my brain whenever a moment came up where I would have told him how I really felt.

These moments passed.

Nevertheless, he made me stronger.

It was for Charlie that I finally understood that I should stand up more for myself. He tried his best to make me realise that the people who treated me like shit were wrong. I began to believe that he was right in saying I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

My relationships however turned out to get worse.

I stood up against my parents. I stood up against my brother. And the better I got in fighting for myself, the more reluctant I became when thinking about being together with Rebecca.

She was not wrong in the things she said. But neither was I. The fact that we argued about nonsense made it difficult to face the real problem – we lost trust in each other.

DailyBooth became something ridiculously important for me, as I collected all the 'proof' for her unfaithfulness in my head. I got envious and furious about what she did there, but couldn't be bothered to stop stalking her activities on the website.

I wondered what kind of a person I had become.

I wondered what kind of a person I was becoming.


End file.
